The Burden of the Blessing

Ya'll. Listen. My life. Has been non-freaking stop. As you may know, we moved this past weekend from Plano to Dallas so we are getting acclimated to city life while trying not to stress out over the endless amount of unpacked boxes. 

I hope to do a new house tour soon, but lately I've been feeling a little uninspired by my very mediocre interior design skills. Long story. But I need help. Help me. Please? 

Anyway, I hope I'm not alone in this, but I wanted to check my sanity level regarding something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. Have you ever struggled with feeling undeserving of your blessings? So much so that you feel guilty speaking about them or moving in them? Like you don't want to relish in them because you know that there are others that are praying for the very thing that God has handed to you? I tend to get this overwhelming sense of guilt at times... a sense of feeling like from the outside looking in, it may appear that things have been handed to me -- and that feeling is a heavy load to bear. 

It could be anything, really -- like not being as celebratory as you would like to be at your college graduation for fear of making a family member who didn't graduate from college feel small. Or treating yourself to an expensive bag or pair of shoes only to feel ashamed of having spent so much when people around you are just trying to get by. Or the general feeling of just feeling undeserving of your blessings -- to the point that you minimize them to make everyone around you comfortable.  

I don't talk much about certain aspects of my life because I never want to create room for jealousy. And it's so hard sometimes in the age of social media, where everyone is striving to mirror their lives to that of their favorite Instagram influencer. It's unfortunate that we struggle to find contentment in our own lives, and in our own spaces because we are trying to mimic the lives and spaces we see created online. It's equally as unfortunate to recognize that, and feel a sense of shame for sharing your blessings with the world for the fear that you might make someone else feel ashamed of or uncomfortable in their season of life. 

I don't want to be your #relationshipgoals, I don't want to be a person who is envied -- so much so that I hold back from sharing so many wonderful happenings because of the convoluted nature of the millennial mindset. Also because, put simply, sometimes I cannot understand why life, why God, has been so good to me. And at times, I feel undeserving. 

Don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of misfortune -- relationship, financial and overall life mishaps -- but in the broader scheme of things, things aren't a fraction of as bad as they could be or as they present themselves to be in the moment. I count my blessings daily, even when life feels much like a prison sentence.  

The burden of a blessing is a heavy cross to carry, and I have to remind myself far too often that blessings aren't and should not be a burden. Life is supposed to be good. It's supposed to be lived to its fullest. Sure, shit happens, but big picture, (and as cliche as it sounds) things could always be worse. I have absolutely no control over how people feel or the place people are in their lives. But I do know that I have to confront the good and the bad with the same approach and learn to be appreciative and unashamed of whichever season I am currently in. 

I'm still a work in progress for sure, but I'm slowly learning that when things are good, it's not because something bad is en route. And I will not be punished for celebrating said good things. Furthermore, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have my own cheer squad. That is rooting for me and cheering me on as I continue to navigate through adulthood. That constantly reminds me not to minimize my blessings -- because you can still be humble while celebrating your victories. 

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If I'm crazy, here's the part where you tell me. lol Is it just me? Do you find yourself being humble to a fault? Or feeling like you don't deserve your good fortune? Have you ever felt the burden of your blessings? Let's talk about it. 

xo, 

Aquia 

Photography by Courtnee Murphy